today 6.07.14

woke up from horrible nightmares of strange things today. feel so alone but I don't want to talk to anyone or say hello because if they ask how I am I'll break down and it will just be the same thing over again. will this feeling ever go away? what have I done? am I ever going to understand what happened and am I really gonna be really truly happy again? if you do come across my blog you will find it depressing and probably not want to come back again but that's ok because this is how I feel right now and no amount of "everything will be ok" 's will make it better. I miss my son and I miss my family (mostly my sister because she doesn't give me grief too much). I miss being happy and laughing and not waking up crying every single day. its a normal occurrence in my day now. I wish I could make it go away and sometimes I can but sometimes my will is not strong enough and the pain wins over. I wish I could understand I really do....so many questions and yet I just need to block them out and pretend it doesn't matter. that's what I am doing, pretending. I can't get answers so I pretend like I know and I make up a story in my head and carry on. as I write I am getting stronger and thinking you know crying is not worth it, do your work feel good about that and then go to gym and let off some steam and everything will be better....until tomorrow when I have to do the same thing again.