the baby

I was always very good at blocking terrible things that happen out and just put it down to experience and that it was meant to happen. I don't think that is a bad option but one thing has happened to me far too often I think if I ever got pregnant again I would not be able to deal with it and I am now destined to be a one child mom. When I fell pregnant with my son I was so shocked as I didn't believe God would afford me the luxury from what had happened to me before I got married and not going to detail here. I didn't think I would be a good mom and just wanted to travel and see the world and not be responsible for bringing up a little person in this messed up world and especially after my childhood experiences. I was in denial for a while but happy as I was blessed and all the dreams of other moms were now becoming mine. I was determined to be the most chilled mom alive and just love him to bits and pieces and that would be enough. He was a dream baby and I couldn't ask for a happier child. I was now convinced I was born to be a mom and that I would have lots more.

I had my first miscarriage in August 2012 and I remember the moment I became pregnant. I knew it in my gut but it was not a happy time for me. The baby would have maybe made us (my husband and I) happier for a short time but neither of us were actually ready for it. I dealt with the miscarriage as just another day in my life and my friend took me to the hospital and I went into surgery. I think I feared the fact that I might never wake up again from the anaesthetic more than what else was happening in my body. The doctor was sadder than I was, I just wanted it to be over. Got back to work and loads of hugs and "I'm so sorry" and I kept thinking its not such a big deal, it wasn't meant to be. I carried on like normal and family kept asking when we would give my son a brother or sister. Never enough money and time etc. etc. was the excuses we found. At the end of 2013 we spoke about it and I had a whole plan for 2014. I would get pregnant in January and we would have a spring baby. I wanted another baby so badly as my husband was no longer there for me and my son was attached to him more than ever. It sounds so selfish but I wanted something new and exciting to keep my life together as everything else was falling apart.

I fell pregnant in December 2013 as planned and I remember telling my husband and I think he was quite shocked that it was actually happening and he was all over me and happy. It was all falling into place. The next day I was lying on the couch and had so much pain I couldn't move and realised I was having a miscarriage again...except this time a lot more pain and heartache. Went to the hospital and found out it was an ectopic pregnancy that was in the process of bursting. Went straight into surgery and I think a part of me shattered there. I became cold and just blocked out the fact that I had lost the baby I wanted more than anything. But I pulled myself together and told myself tt would be ok I would fall pregnant again and be happy it just wouldn't be exactly the way I had planned. That was the 2nd February 2014. I poured myself into my son after that and threw him the best birthday party after that.

Then I met Mr X a few weeks later and my whole world changed entirely. It was deep passionate love and everything was perfect and I didn't have to have a baby to be happy. I could be myself with him and didn't have to work hard to make him love me or talk to me. He was perfect in my eyes. I wasn't on any kind of contraceptive when I met him so there were morning after pills and right back on the pill. However these did not work and I fell pregnant. We had spoken about marriage and having a baby together one day called Duke. He never wanted to have children again until he met me and I felt like anything was possible.

However Duke came along a lot sooner than expected. I remember Mr X telling me that he had hoped I would get pregnant so it would seal us once and for all. Tears run down my cheeks as I write this as I wanted this baby more than anything in the whole world at that moment. I had made my decision about my husband in my mind already but my parents were adding so much pressure and I hadn't grown enough guts to stand up for myself yet. I was visiting them at the time and was feeling terrible and the day I left to go back  home I took the test and was on the phone with my sister. I was so excited but at the same time imagining all the crap I was about to go through. But this baby was going to save me and let me be with the love of my life. Sounds so selfish now but I know that baby would be born into so much love and I would give everything I could. I did however have the thought of how it would make my son feel as mommy wasn't with daddy anymore and now she is having another baby and I am not as important to her and she doesn't love me as much anymore. It broke my heart to think of this but I would work it out and he would be ok.

I went to see Mr X after coming back from visiting my parents and we just had an amazing time. I was in a whole lot of emotional turmoil though trying to work out in my head how all of this would work and how I would keep it quiet, but being with him brought me peace. We did have an argument because I was terrified that my husband would find out where I was and kept checking my phone to make sure everything was ok. He took this badly as it was his time with me and I can understand that. I just didn't want any more drama and I remember getting back to his room and pulling him close and telling him to shut up and kissed him and that amazing smile of his came out again. There was so much stress underlying when we were together and sometimes we let it take the better of us. But it was a gift and had happened for a reason right? It was a blessing and a product of unconditional love.

I came home and went to see the doc as I was having some spotting and saw the little thing on the monitor and my heart skipped a beat. There was a high chance of miscarriage as I had been on the pill and had taken morning after pills but I remained positive and took every vitamin etc. that I could find. I was not loosing this baby. That night I had a bath and as I got out I had a miscarriage. I think every part of me shattered and I couldn't control myself. I screamed and my aunt came running and I called the doc and he said he's sorry and I must just take pain killers and let nature take its course. I called Mr X and the pain in his voice mirrored mine and I just wanted to disappear. I had lost his baby and broken his heart and that was the last thing I wanted to do. I had lost the baby I wanted more than anything and the pain was unbearable. He came to see me and took such tender care of me and I tried to soften my heart that was in turmoil and so confused I didn't know which way to turn.

So much shit and drama happened after that and I think losing the baby drove me close to insanity and I said and did things just to make everyone happy and forgot what was happening in my heart and soul. I was slowly dying, the person Mr X had brought out was hiding away and I was terrified of my life. The last time we were together I had just gone back onto the pill and was convinced I would be ok but naturally that wasn't the case. We ended that weekend thanks to I'm not sure what. I don't know if it was real or not but I was pregnant again. It was way too early to show and I just know I had missed my monthly which was due 2 weeks after being with him. Maybe it was just showing pregnant from hormones from my last pregnancy which ended a month before.

Went to see another doc and he did a scan and sure enough there was the little sack. I couldn't believe my freaking eyes and I didn't know how to react. I was in such a mess I just saw it as a good thing and another chance at love. Stupid silly girl, you can never rely on a baby on bringing two people back together if you don't sort your other issues out. I remember him still telling me "It's still early to do something about it" so this baby was not wanted and I didn't want to bring a baby into the world that was not wanted by his/her father and wouldn't grow up knowing him properly. I also would be an idiot to think I could do this alone and be ok. But I don't know if it was ever given a chance really as a week later I had my period. If I hadn't felt terrible and gone to doc I probably wouldn't have even known and saved myself more heartache.

How could this have happened again....wherever you all are I love you and one day I hope to meet you in heaven. God must have known that I couldn't take proper care of you and that heaven was a better place for you...