family

Driving home from work today had an argument with my sister. I put the phone down on her as I was tired of explaining myself & was so upset I bashed my steering wheel and screamed until I couldn't anymore. my sister of all people. I know she loves me and only has good intentions but listen to me and hear what I'm saying before coming to your own conclusions. Have my parents here for the weekend as well and they haven't said much which makes me wonder when it will all go down and what it will take for the conversation to start.

I was watching my dad play with Connor earlier and was trying to remember if he ever did that with me, did he sit and spend time with me playing? No idea maybe I was too young, but I'm glad Connor has a Granddad who takes the time to play. Everything else I am not too sure about but that'll come later and some we have experienced and collided over already. I do remember whenever I was sick my dad would come and tickle my back until I fell asleep and I guess that's where my love for them started. I remember that he used to go on long trips away from home for work and I would sit on the couch staring out the window and cry until I fell asleep wanting him to come home and imagining him not coming home ever again. My imagination is very vivid and runs away from me sometimes.I just remember how much I missed him when he wasn't there.

Then we grew up and something changed somewhere. Religion got in the way. I think I saw first hand the hypocrisy of Christianity. I grew up going to a mission station my whole life, literally before I was even born, and "living in the world" but having the "privilege" to be at the mission during school holidays and every other time in-between that. I knew the road there from home like the back of my hand and watched it change over the years. My younger years there were the best, no knowledge of what really goes on in the adult world. Having my best friend leave to go there when she was 6 or so probably made it so much easier for me to run off there whenever I could. We used to wake up super early and run off to the diary and go chase the cows in for milking and help if we were allowed to. Chase the chickens and go for long walks through the sugar cane and on the farm. I was however the outsider and prone to the "ways of the world" which I clearly didn't see and as we grew up this became apparent. I remember the founder had a house right at the end of the mission and to go there for lunch after Sunday service was such a big deal. It almost felt like you weren't actually supposed to be there and you just ate and left. I was definitely not part of the cool kids club haha.

As we got older she got a aura about her that I wasn't good enough anymore and her "holier than thou" attitude was almost unbearable and it hit its peak when I decided to go to school there. The main reason for this was because I was too scared to go to a normal high school in the "world" because of fear of rejection and humiliation. I was terrified actually and was convinced going to the mission school wouldn't be half as bad and at least there I wasn't a freak who only wore dresses, didn't have her ears pierced and couldn't talk to guys.

The mission school was interesting to say the least. I stayed in the hostel and learnt to scrub floors on my hands and knees, the put polish and polish clean. Washed my washing outside at the tap in a bucket every Saturday and ironed whenever I could get an iron. Ate samp and beans, mixed rice and the likes everyday and learnt to speak Zulu. Drying my hair and having a shower was always an interesting experience as being one of only 3 white girls & everything I did was different. But I think I proved my worth and made friends. I do remember one of the other girls I had grown up with for some reason had it in for me and I came back to my room the one night and she and about 10 other girls were all sitting on my bed burning my candles and reading my diaries. I literally walked in and then turned around and went straight out again. Couldn't bear seeing the smirks on the faces and hearing them talk about me. Girls can be real bitches if they want to be. We had a room in the hostel where we all kept a box of food from home, comfort food, and I used to spend a lot of time in there reading and escaping. As we got older you couldn't just go for walks as we used to as it was seen as "why do you have to go on your own and what you getting up to". Ridiculous as I just wanted to be outside in the places I loved most. I think I climbed almost every climbable tree on that farm, spent days looking for the best and go catch chameleons while I was up there and watching people walking under me.

My best friend and I caused havoc in the classroom but outside of class it felt like I wasn't welcome in her home and that I should rather just go back to the hostel. She was my family and I got rejection from the last place I expected it. Why wasn't I good enough to hang around anymore. Just because I lived in the hostel did not mean I was different. It was still me...at the end of my second year there I decided to quit 4 days before going back and do home schooling. Well we can all imagine how that went and yea I just went back to the mission. I did have ulterior motives though as I had sparked up a friendship with a guy and hated being at home so I went back. Told my best friend and she told the principle and I got expelled. I remember sitting in the office and watching her in disbelief as she ratted me out for having a "boyfriend". I left the principles office and ripped my shoes off and just ran and ran as fast as I could. I wanted to get away from someone who could betray me so badly. I went for counselling (explain this as someone I had to go to at least once a week to confess my sins or questions would be asked of my spiritual well being) and oddly enough the counsellor told me that maybe this was just the wrong time for us and sometime in the future I would find this guy again the "right" way. Well trust me that was the last thing on my mind.

My parents had moved to Saudi Arabia 6 months before and the day I was expelled was the day they came back to visit me. As always I have fabulous timing and I think I was more upset at the fact that I had let them down again than actually being expelled and disobeying God and the rules. That day is etched in my mind. I was sitting on the floor in one of the rooms of my best friends house which faced the gate to the mission, waiting for them to come and I wouldn't talk to anymore and her parents were so rude to me and I just ignored them. I sat there crying and when their car did come in my whole body shook. I was another disappointment and now I had to await my fate. Family. I was forever trying to please them and get it right. I felt bad for being such a rebel and not understanding their ways and I tried so hard to find God and get with the program but I was always way laid. I remember my first counsellor actually gave up on me and said she can't listen to my confessions anymore and I wasn't coming right so I should try find someone else. Boy did that make me feel like I was doing the right thing. Funnily enough a short while after I got expelled my ex best friend called me and told me she had gotten expelled as well for having a boyfriend and it was one of my good friends that I grew up with back home. I didn't know whether I was angry, shocked or thought it was funny at the time but it was like she was looking for recognition from me. She ended up getting married at 18 and having her first child at 19. Asked my dad what in the world would make someone do that and he said it was God's plan for her life. I wonder what they think of God's plan for my life now.

My parents were different in Saudi and we could watch T.V and talk to guys. I made amazing friends and had my first boyfriend and despite there restrictions on woman it was one of the best times of my life. I was free from the church and the restrictions on who I was. As soon as they came back though it all went back to what it was before and that was when I saw the hypocrisy for what it was. It felt like one big joke and I hated God and didn't want to have anything to do with him. I went through a stage in my life where I did everything I was never allowed to. They lived there for 6 years and I was only there for 2 so I had 4 years in a different country from them without there say over what I did. Was great but I also bumped my head a lot which was ok. I wanted to live and let live but my heart was always the problem. Searching for something I never had and couldn't find.

The argument today with my sister was so strange because she was always the rebel and standing up to my parents and living life the way she wanted and now she is telling me how I should approach my ex. I can't bear talking to him anymore and if I have to see his face I think I'll just get to angry and have to walk away. Every time I think we have an understanding about our son the fucking clock strikes 12 and everything goes backwards so I am honestly done fighting and bothering. My sister of all people should understand this?? Maybe I am misunderstanding her (which seems to happen to me a lot) but it is the first time in a long time that I have felt this way about her and it hurts. Karma will get my ex and maybe I take a backwards approach to him by ignoring him and not facing the fact that he is screwing me over and I should fight for my financial well being but hell its easier and less stressful. I will make a plan to survive and then at least I will be proud to say I did it on my own! He is the last person I will ask for help from and I understand that he owes me but is it worth going through a text argument over once a month...no!

She doesn't want me to be taken for granted and run over so I guess I will be fighting some more. You can't chose your family and my sis and I use to hate each other until I moved to the States....we grew up a little and then we became long distance friends . Distance and time makes the heart grow fonder. To do this day if we spend too much time together we drive each other a bit insane and argue so I guess we'll leave it at that. Her opinion is her opinion and mine is mine and we love each other and will find a compromise. I just thought we had gotten to a point where we were the same but things like this make you see. Our differences come out when we hit a touchy subject and I guess we can't be the same. Same with my brother, boy we have our differences and maybe the distance helps with that. Family. In my case distance is the best medicine. I wonder if it is just me that has this problem and if I should care more but honestly its been 30 odd years and now its time to grow a pair. I have 50 odd years to go (hopefully) and its time to get what I want out of it and not for anyone else. I will always love my family and if they need me I will be there in a heart beat but as for me and my life I'll keep it to myself....