memories

hearing your voice over the phone that first time
diving into the "pool" together

waiting nervously for you to arrive to pick me up

seeing the first glimpse of you

giving you that first hug

the first kiss and trying to breathe
looking you in the eyes and watching you
sitting on the other end of your desk and watching you work
listening for your voice around every corner
waiting for the end of the day to hold you
a glass of red wine on the deck and chatting forever
running around in circles like a nana after finding out our combine history
asking you to take the towel off from around your shoulders because I wanted to see you
talking about tress and deciding on a tattoo
telling you I loved you
watching you pack and unpack the mini bars
driving to the closest camp to the shop
watching you walk after checking in guests to my room and coming to say hi
driving back to my car from one camp to another and swopping music along the way
the way they made me cry
leaning over you in the game vehicle to see a terrapin
saying goodbye when we reached my car and you hugged and kissed me and whispered, "I love you"
the look on your face as you walked away
driving home and crying most of the way until the next time we saw each other
getting your supportive messages and "I love you's" all day every day
waiting for you at the airport and hugging you
buying your ring together and seeing you wear it
seeing how our hands fit so perfectly together
going on our first dinner date and killing myself in those shoes
waking up to you
getting our tattoo together and having hot dogs for breakfast
being told by a stranger to "get a room"
going to the shops to get a pregnancy test and it being negative and I was confident I was ok but it was too early to tell
dropping you at the airport and saying goodbye
driving down to the coast to see you last minute and spending the weekend at your sisters place
getting your messages every 30 minutes to check if I was ok
watching you hold my son and getting on so well
spending time with your family and being accepted so easily
playing cards with your daughter on the trampoline
hearing your daughter ask to sleep with me in my bed for the night
swimming with the kids and watching them laugh and play together
taking my son to see the little aeroplane and looking over the hills that reminded me of my younger days
sneaking into your room to get a cuddle and say good morning
having to leave again and the way my heart sank thinking of the drama at home
the way you kissed me goodbye in the bathroom
waiting for the next weekend that I would see you
dreaming of our wedding and where it would be
finding our wedding song
the thought of me being pregnant with your child and you kissing my big belly
waiting for you to come back from leave
watching you walk out at the arrivals lounge and the big smile on your face
actually hugging and kissing you hello not caring who saw
driving to your dad's place at the dam and meeting them for the first time
having our own space and cooking for your parents
waking up to a horror story but it all working out at the end of the day
going to watch the rugby at the clubhouse and not being able to cheer because of the meeting hehe
meeting that weird shirtless guy and talking about wildlife all night
dancing on the bar and kissing to our hearts content with not a care in the world
taking lots of pictures
walking home drunk and getting lost and giggling all the way
hearing your parents going at it when we got home and not being able to contain ourselves
driving back to your dad's home from the dam and cooking dinner together
the quickie in the scullery and on the couch
working and watching you and feeling you kiss my neck every time you passed
watching you wave goodbye as I left...again
waiting for the next time I could see you
the day we figured out how to Skype video and seeing your face and smile
renting a car to drive to you for the night and driving like the wind
as I got to you seeing you run out the back door of your office to meet me and me half running to you
doing the bush dinner run and trying to work out what we would do for dinner and rugby
hating making you stress when you were so busy at work but just wanting you all to myself
going to the main camp for dinner and having a silly fight over my husband
trying again and going to the clubhouse for dinner
having another altercation over my husband and getting back to your place and pulling you close and telling you to shut up and kissing you and making love
getting up early and the chef making me quick eggs before I drove home again
packing to go and visit my parents for 2 1/2 weeks
getting there and explaining my story after a chat with you and hearing them half understanding
going through the motions and being put on the spot with my marriage and faith
your continuous understanding and telling me to go back to my husband if it will stop the critics and then they could see I was really not happy
having my husband join us and the awkward moments
staying with my sister and skyping with her there and having so much fun just being me
doing another pregnancy test and finding out it was positive
skyping with you and you telling me it would all be ok and us being excited together
driving to you again after getting back from visiting my parents
you having the afternoon off and us going to the closest town
doing more pregnancy tests and it was definitely positive
having sushi for lunch together and it not being the best ever lol
driving around and going to visit the waterfall
 how enjoyable that drive was and giggling and laughing like school kids
having a quickie up the mountain and then my sensitivity about it
watching you bitch all the way down and me just listening
the way you looked at me at the bottom and your frown and anger turning into a smile and laughing
driving back to your work and meeting everyone for a drink
being nervous of being seen together and then eventually just giving in
kissing you in front of everyone
going down to the bridge with drinks and lying under the stars together laughing
telling everyone we were pregnant
driving around the game reserve waiting for you to finish work the next day
making you and your office chick pea curry for dinner
going home to end it all
moving in with my aunt and uncle
getting it from all ends, husband and parents
hearing my son say I am not his mommy anymore because I don't live there anymore
going to see the gynae and seeing the little thing growing in my tummy
losing the baby
you coming to see me last minute
you meeting my aunt and uncle for the first time and how it just felt so right you being there
driving to your dad's place and being stuck in traffic for an hour
pouring my heart out and you just listening to me
remembering your feet perched on my dashboard and the way you crossed your legs in my car
running a hot bath and giving me a massage before tucking me into bed
 waking up to you and touching your face
having breakfast together at house of coffees before dropping you at the airport again
moving back in with my husband to try the 30 day trial period and it not lasting 2 days
thinking I hadn't actually lost the baby as was still feeling nauseas and test was still positive
having a massive fight and emotional abuse with him
fighting with you over it and losing you
driving half way to you at 3am to tell you I was sorry and I loved you and telling me it wouldn't make a difference
breaking down completely the next day
you taking me back after my apologies and us trying to work at it again
organising a secret picnic for you and us and buying blankets and candles, finding the perfect place
seeing you again at the airport and getting the longest hug
driving to your dad's place and meeting them somewhere to get keys
driving to the picnic place and watching the sun set
going back to your dad's place to set up the picnic there cuz it was too cold
lying naked on the electric blanket after dinner talking about the hard stuff
I remember how terrible I felt because of all the pain I was causing every way I turned
waking up to a better day and kisses
going for breakfast with your parents and then the mall
watching the rugby together and having drinks
 meeting new friends and talking a lot!
getting a little too drunk and having another altercation over my husband
more pain that I seemed to be causing for everyone I came in contact with
you calming me down and telling me it will all be ok
having such a terrible hang over by 8pm and us going home to sleep
waking up and not knowing what to do with myself
wanting to hold you and make everything better but not knowing how
pushing away instead
telling you I can't hurt anyone anymore and we should just be friends
watching the tears fall down your face and kissing them away
not realising what I was doing to your heart and only thinking of not hurting you again when all you wanted was to be with me
watching you walk away at the airport and wanting to run in after you not realising that was the last time I would see you...........


words

My theme song at the moment, thanks to a friend for sending me the song...

 

"Ghost"

 

 

I keep going to the river to pray

'Cause I need something that can wash all the pain

And at most

I'm sleeping all these demons away

But your ghost, the ghost of you

It keeps me awake

 

My friends had you figured out

Yeah they saw what's inside of you

You tried hiding another you

But your evil was coming through

 

These guys sitting on the wall

They watch every move I make

Bright light living in the shade

Your cold heart makes my spirit shake

 

I had to go through hell to prove I'm not insane

Had to meet the devil just to know his name

 

And that's when my love was burning

Yeah it's still burning

 

[x2:]

I keep going to the river to pray

'Cause I need something that can wash all the pain

And at most

I'm sleeping all these demons away

But your ghost, the ghost of you

It keeps me awake

 

Each time that I think you go

I turn around and you're creeping in

And I let you under my skin

'Cause I love living in the sin

 

Boy you never told me

True love was going to hurt

True pain I don't deserve

Truth is that I never learn

 

[x2:]

I keep going to the river to pray

'Cause I need something that can wash all the pain

And at most

I'm sleeping all these demons away

But your ghost, the ghost of you

It keeps me awake

 

Give up the ghost

Give up the ghost

Give up the ghost

Stop the haunting baby

 

Give up the ghost

Give up the ghost

Give up the ghost

No more haunting baby

 

I keep going to the river

 

[x2:]

I keep going to the river to pray

'Cause I need something that can wash all the pain

And at most

I'm sleeping all these demons away

But your ghost, the ghost of you

It keeps me awake

the baby

I was always very good at blocking terrible things that happen out and just put it down to experience and that it was meant to happen. I don't think that is a bad option but one thing has happened to me far too often I think if I ever got pregnant again I would not be able to deal with it and I am now destined to be a one child mom. When I fell pregnant with my son I was so shocked as I didn't believe God would afford me the luxury from what had happened to me before I got married and not going to detail here. I didn't think I would be a good mom and just wanted to travel and see the world and not be responsible for bringing up a little person in this messed up world and especially after my childhood experiences. I was in denial for a while but happy as I was blessed and all the dreams of other moms were now becoming mine. I was determined to be the most chilled mom alive and just love him to bits and pieces and that would be enough. He was a dream baby and I couldn't ask for a happier child. I was now convinced I was born to be a mom and that I would have lots more.

I had my first miscarriage in August 2012 and I remember the moment I became pregnant. I knew it in my gut but it was not a happy time for me. The baby would have maybe made us (my husband and I) happier for a short time but neither of us were actually ready for it. I dealt with the miscarriage as just another day in my life and my friend took me to the hospital and I went into surgery. I think I feared the fact that I might never wake up again from the anaesthetic more than what else was happening in my body. The doctor was sadder than I was, I just wanted it to be over. Got back to work and loads of hugs and "I'm so sorry" and I kept thinking its not such a big deal, it wasn't meant to be. I carried on like normal and family kept asking when we would give my son a brother or sister. Never enough money and time etc. etc. was the excuses we found. At the end of 2013 we spoke about it and I had a whole plan for 2014. I would get pregnant in January and we would have a spring baby. I wanted another baby so badly as my husband was no longer there for me and my son was attached to him more than ever. It sounds so selfish but I wanted something new and exciting to keep my life together as everything else was falling apart.

I fell pregnant in December 2013 as planned and I remember telling my husband and I think he was quite shocked that it was actually happening and he was all over me and happy. It was all falling into place. The next day I was lying on the couch and had so much pain I couldn't move and realised I was having a miscarriage again...except this time a lot more pain and heartache. Went to the hospital and found out it was an ectopic pregnancy that was in the process of bursting. Went straight into surgery and I think a part of me shattered there. I became cold and just blocked out the fact that I had lost the baby I wanted more than anything. But I pulled myself together and told myself tt would be ok I would fall pregnant again and be happy it just wouldn't be exactly the way I had planned. That was the 2nd February 2014. I poured myself into my son after that and threw him the best birthday party after that.

Then I met Mr X a few weeks later and my whole world changed entirely. It was deep passionate love and everything was perfect and I didn't have to have a baby to be happy. I could be myself with him and didn't have to work hard to make him love me or talk to me. He was perfect in my eyes. I wasn't on any kind of contraceptive when I met him so there were morning after pills and right back on the pill. However these did not work and I fell pregnant. We had spoken about marriage and having a baby together one day called Duke. He never wanted to have children again until he met me and I felt like anything was possible.

However Duke came along a lot sooner than expected. I remember Mr X telling me that he had hoped I would get pregnant so it would seal us once and for all. Tears run down my cheeks as I write this as I wanted this baby more than anything in the whole world at that moment. I had made my decision about my husband in my mind already but my parents were adding so much pressure and I hadn't grown enough guts to stand up for myself yet. I was visiting them at the time and was feeling terrible and the day I left to go back  home I took the test and was on the phone with my sister. I was so excited but at the same time imagining all the crap I was about to go through. But this baby was going to save me and let me be with the love of my life. Sounds so selfish now but I know that baby would be born into so much love and I would give everything I could. I did however have the thought of how it would make my son feel as mommy wasn't with daddy anymore and now she is having another baby and I am not as important to her and she doesn't love me as much anymore. It broke my heart to think of this but I would work it out and he would be ok.

I went to see Mr X after coming back from visiting my parents and we just had an amazing time. I was in a whole lot of emotional turmoil though trying to work out in my head how all of this would work and how I would keep it quiet, but being with him brought me peace. We did have an argument because I was terrified that my husband would find out where I was and kept checking my phone to make sure everything was ok. He took this badly as it was his time with me and I can understand that. I just didn't want any more drama and I remember getting back to his room and pulling him close and telling him to shut up and kissed him and that amazing smile of his came out again. There was so much stress underlying when we were together and sometimes we let it take the better of us. But it was a gift and had happened for a reason right? It was a blessing and a product of unconditional love.

I came home and went to see the doc as I was having some spotting and saw the little thing on the monitor and my heart skipped a beat. There was a high chance of miscarriage as I had been on the pill and had taken morning after pills but I remained positive and took every vitamin etc. that I could find. I was not loosing this baby. That night I had a bath and as I got out I had a miscarriage. I think every part of me shattered and I couldn't control myself. I screamed and my aunt came running and I called the doc and he said he's sorry and I must just take pain killers and let nature take its course. I called Mr X and the pain in his voice mirrored mine and I just wanted to disappear. I had lost his baby and broken his heart and that was the last thing I wanted to do. I had lost the baby I wanted more than anything and the pain was unbearable. He came to see me and took such tender care of me and I tried to soften my heart that was in turmoil and so confused I didn't know which way to turn.

So much shit and drama happened after that and I think losing the baby drove me close to insanity and I said and did things just to make everyone happy and forgot what was happening in my heart and soul. I was slowly dying, the person Mr X had brought out was hiding away and I was terrified of my life. The last time we were together I had just gone back onto the pill and was convinced I would be ok but naturally that wasn't the case. We ended that weekend thanks to I'm not sure what. I don't know if it was real or not but I was pregnant again. It was way too early to show and I just know I had missed my monthly which was due 2 weeks after being with him. Maybe it was just showing pregnant from hormones from my last pregnancy which ended a month before.

Went to see another doc and he did a scan and sure enough there was the little sack. I couldn't believe my freaking eyes and I didn't know how to react. I was in such a mess I just saw it as a good thing and another chance at love. Stupid silly girl, you can never rely on a baby on bringing two people back together if you don't sort your other issues out. I remember him still telling me "It's still early to do something about it" so this baby was not wanted and I didn't want to bring a baby into the world that was not wanted by his/her father and wouldn't grow up knowing him properly. I also would be an idiot to think I could do this alone and be ok. But I don't know if it was ever given a chance really as a week later I had my period. If I hadn't felt terrible and gone to doc I probably wouldn't have even known and saved myself more heartache.

How could this have happened again....wherever you all are I love you and one day I hope to meet you in heaven. God must have known that I couldn't take proper care of you and that heaven was a better place for you...

forgiveness

I have taken responsibility for so much that has happened in the last 4 months and apologised over and over, but I haven't confronted my biggest transgression properly. I am separated but still married and what I did to my husband was terrible. I literally did a 360 in one weekend and EVERYTHING changed. I still battle to fathom it sometimes how I switched off from my husband so quickly when a week earlier I was still so in love with him and was trying everything to get my marriage back to where it was. I was listening my lover and at the same time my parents and my husband were contradicting what he said and naturally you only hear what you want to hear. You follow your heart but because of my faith and the way I am with my parents I tried to see the logic and felt pressured and bad at times and subsequently kept going back to my husband.  Being with my husband made me feel unwanted and alone all over again and even though he said he wanted to try nothing happened. However this never lasted longer than a few days, if even, and I always ran back to my lover because with him I felt at peace.I honestly believed I had found my happy ever after for good.

No matter how unhappy or how badly I was treated by my husband no one deserves to be cheated on and my faith had taught me this, even though that was obviously thrown out the window at the time. I think of how I would feel if this happened to me. There are far better ways I could have handled my unhappiness with my husband and yes my cheating on him happened for a reason and happened because I was searching for more and there was a person that hit all the right buttons and said all the right things at the time.

I will never forget the day he found us together and I asked my lover to hide and he just lay in the bed and smirked. I saw my husbands face and something inside me shattered. I was so in love and blinded I did not fully comprehend what I was doing or the damage and pain I was causing to my husband and my family. I saw his begging me to come back and the fact that he would forgive and forget as a joke. He loves me unconditionally and would probably do anything to have me back. Whether or not he would be able to stick to his word and actually change for good was what was hindering me as I know he could never change who is really is. Even after 8 years of knowing each other and when we got married I knew things about him that would never change and because I loved him I accepted them and said I would work on being okay with it. Clearly I could not deal with it and it ate away at me and it made me resent him because it just got worse. I know I wasn't the picture of perfection either and I asked to do counselling together but it never happened.

Words cannot say how ashamed I am of myself and I need to learn to deal with this guilt, but first I need to say sorry to him. I don't know how or when but I need to do it. Maybe I will write a letter or ask him to see me face to face but I think once I apologise our fighting will end and we will both feel better and be able to move on with our divorce properly. So many hurtful things have been said and done but as I learnt even with my now ex-lover; he has said some terrible things to me and I retaliate or vice versa and yesterday he said to me that we all say hurtful things but we know its not who we really are and just a reflection of bad circumstances (something like that can't remember now). I cannot judge my husband for things he has said and done because it has been the worst circumstances and I know it is not him. People can accuse him of many things but I have known him for 8 years (7 years and 8 months longer than I know my ex-lover) and I know he has a good heart and is an amazing father. Everyone has a bad streak in them and I think its up to us to decide if we can deal with that in the person we love or if it is too much for us....

don't give up

beautiful words I should live by right now.....

 



"You Are Loved (Don't Give Up)"

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I...I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I...I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I...I will be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I...I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

You are loved
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one needs to be heard
You are loved

the end of the road

the 21st March was probably the best and worst day of my life....the best as I decided to go out on a limb to find real happiness and fell in love, but also the worst day because it has led to today. I wish I could rewind and go back in time and that none of this happened and then I wouldn't have to deal with this pain. The pain of rejection and not being good enough. Yes I was unhappy in my marriage but compared to this pain it is NOTHING! I would rather have the certainty of having my son with me everyday and my own home and the occasional love of my husband than being rejected by the one person I believe to be my soul mate and who I have loved more than anyone or anything. This pain is unbelievable and I don't know which way to turn so I am just writing and working.

I wish I could express what I am thinking without sounding angry and bitter. I wish I never existed. I wish for a lot of things but most of all I wish for the last 4 months back in my life. I cannot see it as a lesson, I see it as a stupid mistake made by a stupid, silly girl who thought her dreams could be real but was living in a non-reality. Reality hurts and the truth is the world is a nasty horrible place and no one is going to understand you or be there for you really. They all make so many promises and so do you but it all means nothing at the end of the day. Love does not conquer all unfortunately. The dreams I had were not real and I don't think they ever will be so I must rather stick to reality and become hard and emotionless as that is the way the world treats me. Screw giving a shit about people, screw giving everything to the people you love, screw giving giving and more giving. Screw fighting for what you believe in because you will just be judged by your past mistakes. Rather keep yourself safe and protect your heart because somehow or someway it will always be broken, the pain is not worth it anymore...

20.07.14

I couldn't sleep anymore, a million things running through my head. I wish I could switch my mind off. It is getting better and I seem to be holding myself together. Is that what he wants, is he just waiting for the day when I will forget him and move on? Am I humiliating myself every time I talk to him and put my heart on my sleeve? Should I stop talking to him and save myself the humiliation? Is it humiliation or does he actually give a shit and he is too (I don't know what word to use) to be upfront with me? Am I expecting too much? Has he moved on to someone else already and I am in the dark and everything I imagine is not real and just in my head? I honestly believed my letter would make a difference and that something would click but maybe I am too hasty. Maybe I just need to give it time and be patient?

I just wanted it to be simple, you love someone and want to be with them you tell them and show them, end of story. You make it work from there and get through the rough things together because you love each other and want to be together. I thought we were very similar and wanted the same things out of life. After the letter there was a whole weekend of chatting and flirting and then it went quiet and I was left wondering again. I am sure you can tell I am not good with time and waiting. It helps to write these things down and get it out my head...for a little bit... my heart is breaking over and over again but I guess its my own fault because I believe and then nothing...why can't it be simple? Just like my marriage where I tried and tried just to be rejected over and over, just like my childhood where I disappointed my parents and was an embarrassment over and over. I thought I had found the one person and I wouldn't be rejected for anything again, and I screwed that up to.

How do I deal with this? I am strong everyday and I make it through every day and I hide it from the people around me but when its just me I break. I don't want anyone's pity or critism. I believe in myself and the person I am so much but am so confused when the people I love can't see it and that's when I question myself again. Is the fault with them? I am an amazing woman with so much love to give if someone will just give me a fucking chance! I just want a chance that is all....

17.07.14

emotions...

I am so angry with myself right now, or maybe a better word is frustrated. I feel like a yoyo and one minute I am ok and managing and the next I am overcome with such a sense of loss and pain I can't function. I am trying so hard to be strong and to show I can do this but I am tired and I just want to let it all go. Just let the flood gates open and scream to the heavens that I am not ok and I can't handle what it is throwing at me anymore and I just want to give up. Can I give up? I wish I could...I wish I could throw in the towel and tell God I am ready to leave this earth, but then I have a responsibility to my son. At times like this I am terribly selfish and inhumane and I wish it was just me in this world and I could just pack my bags and go. Leave on the next plane out of here and disappear from everything and everyone that is hurting me. I am very good at that and have done it before and can quite easily do it again and I know you think I am running away but it worked when I needed it. This time however I want to try and face it head on because I believe what I am fighting for is worth it for the first time in life.

I am trying so hard to not let my emotions get the better of me and rule my day but it is exhausting. I can't imagine myself with anyone else or building a home with anyone else and the mere thought of having to find someone else makes me want to gag. I didn't see this coming in the first place and then it did and now it feels like a hurricane blew through my life and there is nothing I can do to fix it. I want to fix it so badly and I have tried but now I am not sure where I stand and if I will get another chance. Everyone tells me fix yourself and be happy with yourself first....note to everyone else I am perfectly happy with me. I know who I am and what I want out of life and is it so terrible to want to share it with the person you love more than anything and believe in more than anything? Just because I don't want to be on my own means I am weak or not happy with myself.

Will I get to a point where I will give up and open myself up to other opportunities? That will be a sad day and right now I would rather just carry on the way I am rather than think that that is possible; it hurts way to much to give up on something I believe so strongly in and know is the best thing that ever happened to me...

the person I am...

I read this blog on Ellie Love last week and thought I would try the same thing and see what person I think I am...

As a woman I...

love to experiment with my hair colour

have eyes the colour of the ocean

am an average height, not short or tall

am not skinny or fat, just right

try to keep my hands and nails neat but tend to bite them if nervous

nail polish doesn't last a day so I wont really bother unless feeling adventurous

am tidy, hate clutter in my personal space

dress according to how I feel on the day, don't really care about trends too much

need everything to match and coordinate my closet according to colour

am outgoing and love to laugh out loud

keep to myself if I feel vulnerable

take things personally but learning to take it with a pinch of salt

sometimes needs others approval before I believe in myself

have a passion for sport

love to cook and experiment in the kitchen

spontaneous and when I get a bee in my bonnet don't let it go until I've done it

love music and sing out loud to songs

love to dance even though I think I look like a dork

love being outdoors under the trees

go to gym when I can

eat any kind of food, except peanut butter

don't care for diets, just eat less and exercise

don't regret the mistakes I've made because I am who I am thanks to them

 

 

As a lover I...

will drive across countries for you if I love you, don't question my love

believe in crazy mad love and that love conquers all

give with my whole heart, never skimp but expect the same in return

will take care of you always

will fight for you until I'm told or shown it's not worth it

need to be shown your love even if it's something small, doesn't need to be huge

will keep things exciting, go on trips and surprise you when you least expect it

will tell you that I love and miss you a hundred times a day

believe that you should always make time for one another no matter how busy you are

am always thinking of you and how I can make your day better and show my love

like to have my own space sometimes

still dream of my wedding one day, the way I want it

 

 

As a mother I...

didn't want to be a mom at first

was very relaxed during my pregnancy and didn't believe everything told to me

read pregnancy and baby magazine but did it my own way anyway

didn't let my pregnancy control my life, just had fun around it

had a glass of wine occasionally, didn't smoke

tried natural birth but had to have an emergency c-section

have a boy, toddler

breastfed and then the bottle

let him cry himself to sleep, self soothe

let him sleep in my bed if he was having terrors and couldn't calm down

let him have a dummy but not a bottle in bed

got up in the middle of the night and didn't care

missed it when he stopped breast feeding but loved it when he slept through

didn't have a strict routine, fed when hungry etc.

don't spank, do time out

sing songs and read stories to go to sleep

got him to sleep anywhere and go to anyone from a very young age

left him with my mother-in-law when he was 6 weeks for a weekend away

sent him to crèche from 3 months because I had to work

missed him but loved being back at work for adult interaction

play soccer and cricket with him as much as possible to get him outdoors

let him watch cartoons and animations but limit it to one movie a day and 5 minutes of toons

feels very strongly about the way I was brought up and won't let that happen to my children

give it everything I can and do the best I can

sometimes get it wrong

love him with all my heart and want to have more children

 

 

As a friend I...

don't like too much drama

will keep your secrets

don't have lots of girlfriends

will always be there if you need someone to talk to and a shoulder

tend to talk about myself a lot

plan get together's and expect you to be there, don't say you will and then not come

expects you to keep your word

tell you straight how I see it, wont lie to you about how you look to make you feel good

am bossy and like things my way

will send you messages and keep in touch, don't forget you exist when times are good

trust with my whole heart until you break it

will forgive and try again if you give me a reason to
hear a lot of "things" but always draw my own conclusion based on how I know you

 

 

As an employee I...

worked from a young age and haven't stopped

have worked in various different areas and don't like to stay in one place too long unless it benefits me

love my job but need satisfaction and recognition

have a passion for helping people and seeing their satisfaction

am loyal and hardworking

am organised and love paperwork

hate to sit in front of a computer for too long, need to move around

friendly with everyone in the office but love to keep to my earphones all day sometimes

believe if you want something done, do it yourself

send lots of emails, don't like to pick up the phone

don't keep online diary

keep notes everywhere

take pride in my work and keep everything in a filing system, neat and colour coordinated

give the daily news, weather and interesting facts throughout the day to break it up a bit

sometimes plan events to keep office life interesting

bakes cakes and cupcakes for colleagues on their birthdays



judging

John 8:7 "Let him who is without sin among you to be the first to throw a stone at her."

 

Romans 2:1  Therefore you have no excuse, O man,  Or how can you say to your brother "every one of you who judges. For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things.  

 

Matthew 7: 1  "Judge not, that you be not judged, For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye' when there is a log in your own eye?"

 

 

Today was an interesting day and I got my Bible out to look up the meaning of judgment according to it as it is being flung in my face so much today already. I'm not quite sure what else to say anymore and the best solution to this is to take it as something happened and not to be thought about too deeply. Or to deal with it the way I do, thinking, and eventually come to the same conclusion I have my whole 30 years and that is that I AM NOT THE PERSON MY PARENTS WANT ME TO BE!!

 

Through the conversation with my parents today I honestly tried my level best to see the good in what they were saying and tried to remember they were my parents and they loved me and they only wanted the best for me. When you are told that you are an embarrassment and that you get the feeling that they are more worried about what their friends who warned them against supporting me then the lid blows off the casket and bitterness sets in. Is that I have been my whole life to them? In my last blog I wrote about how I always tried to please them and get it right for them well that ain't ever gonna happen and no matter how much it hurts I'm done with that and time to move on...

Things like this make me question myself and if I should be following the way I was brought up and giving everything to God and trusting Him to sort my life out? Half of me wants to but I am worried about what my parents say  that their coming to Johannesburg is a sign from God and that he wants me to give my marriage a chance!?! This is not what I believe and I don't know how else to say it to them when they keep telling me I need to go back to God. Is my way of thinking so wrong? Am I making God into something I want or need at the time? I avoid going to church because it makes me feel guilty about myself. But when I think about this I am guilty because I am not what they want me to be and I think I should find myself and who I am first and forgive myself and then go back to church so that I am comfortable and not made to feel like I am always wrong.

It is so difficult to change the way you have been brought up and every day I have lots of questions about memories I have and hopefully God hears them....

 

family

Driving home from work today had an argument with my sister. I put the phone down on her as I was tired of explaining myself & was so upset I bashed my steering wheel and screamed until I couldn't anymore. my sister of all people. I know she loves me and only has good intentions but listen to me and hear what I'm saying before coming to your own conclusions. Have my parents here for the weekend as well and they haven't said much which makes me wonder when it will all go down and what it will take for the conversation to start.

I was watching my dad play with Connor earlier and was trying to remember if he ever did that with me, did he sit and spend time with me playing? No idea maybe I was too young, but I'm glad Connor has a Granddad who takes the time to play. Everything else I am not too sure about but that'll come later and some we have experienced and collided over already. I do remember whenever I was sick my dad would come and tickle my back until I fell asleep and I guess that's where my love for them started. I remember that he used to go on long trips away from home for work and I would sit on the couch staring out the window and cry until I fell asleep wanting him to come home and imagining him not coming home ever again. My imagination is very vivid and runs away from me sometimes.I just remember how much I missed him when he wasn't there.

Then we grew up and something changed somewhere. Religion got in the way. I think I saw first hand the hypocrisy of Christianity. I grew up going to a mission station my whole life, literally before I was even born, and "living in the world" but having the "privilege" to be at the mission during school holidays and every other time in-between that. I knew the road there from home like the back of my hand and watched it change over the years. My younger years there were the best, no knowledge of what really goes on in the adult world. Having my best friend leave to go there when she was 6 or so probably made it so much easier for me to run off there whenever I could. We used to wake up super early and run off to the diary and go chase the cows in for milking and help if we were allowed to. Chase the chickens and go for long walks through the sugar cane and on the farm. I was however the outsider and prone to the "ways of the world" which I clearly didn't see and as we grew up this became apparent. I remember the founder had a house right at the end of the mission and to go there for lunch after Sunday service was such a big deal. It almost felt like you weren't actually supposed to be there and you just ate and left. I was definitely not part of the cool kids club haha.

As we got older she got a aura about her that I wasn't good enough anymore and her "holier than thou" attitude was almost unbearable and it hit its peak when I decided to go to school there. The main reason for this was because I was too scared to go to a normal high school in the "world" because of fear of rejection and humiliation. I was terrified actually and was convinced going to the mission school wouldn't be half as bad and at least there I wasn't a freak who only wore dresses, didn't have her ears pierced and couldn't talk to guys.

The mission school was interesting to say the least. I stayed in the hostel and learnt to scrub floors on my hands and knees, the put polish and polish clean. Washed my washing outside at the tap in a bucket every Saturday and ironed whenever I could get an iron. Ate samp and beans, mixed rice and the likes everyday and learnt to speak Zulu. Drying my hair and having a shower was always an interesting experience as being one of only 3 white girls & everything I did was different. But I think I proved my worth and made friends. I do remember one of the other girls I had grown up with for some reason had it in for me and I came back to my room the one night and she and about 10 other girls were all sitting on my bed burning my candles and reading my diaries. I literally walked in and then turned around and went straight out again. Couldn't bear seeing the smirks on the faces and hearing them talk about me. Girls can be real bitches if they want to be. We had a room in the hostel where we all kept a box of food from home, comfort food, and I used to spend a lot of time in there reading and escaping. As we got older you couldn't just go for walks as we used to as it was seen as "why do you have to go on your own and what you getting up to". Ridiculous as I just wanted to be outside in the places I loved most. I think I climbed almost every climbable tree on that farm, spent days looking for the best and go catch chameleons while I was up there and watching people walking under me.

My best friend and I caused havoc in the classroom but outside of class it felt like I wasn't welcome in her home and that I should rather just go back to the hostel. She was my family and I got rejection from the last place I expected it. Why wasn't I good enough to hang around anymore. Just because I lived in the hostel did not mean I was different. It was still me...at the end of my second year there I decided to quit 4 days before going back and do home schooling. Well we can all imagine how that went and yea I just went back to the mission. I did have ulterior motives though as I had sparked up a friendship with a guy and hated being at home so I went back. Told my best friend and she told the principle and I got expelled. I remember sitting in the office and watching her in disbelief as she ratted me out for having a "boyfriend". I left the principles office and ripped my shoes off and just ran and ran as fast as I could. I wanted to get away from someone who could betray me so badly. I went for counselling (explain this as someone I had to go to at least once a week to confess my sins or questions would be asked of my spiritual well being) and oddly enough the counsellor told me that maybe this was just the wrong time for us and sometime in the future I would find this guy again the "right" way. Well trust me that was the last thing on my mind.

My parents had moved to Saudi Arabia 6 months before and the day I was expelled was the day they came back to visit me. As always I have fabulous timing and I think I was more upset at the fact that I had let them down again than actually being expelled and disobeying God and the rules. That day is etched in my mind. I was sitting on the floor in one of the rooms of my best friends house which faced the gate to the mission, waiting for them to come and I wouldn't talk to anymore and her parents were so rude to me and I just ignored them. I sat there crying and when their car did come in my whole body shook. I was another disappointment and now I had to await my fate. Family. I was forever trying to please them and get it right. I felt bad for being such a rebel and not understanding their ways and I tried so hard to find God and get with the program but I was always way laid. I remember my first counsellor actually gave up on me and said she can't listen to my confessions anymore and I wasn't coming right so I should try find someone else. Boy did that make me feel like I was doing the right thing. Funnily enough a short while after I got expelled my ex best friend called me and told me she had gotten expelled as well for having a boyfriend and it was one of my good friends that I grew up with back home. I didn't know whether I was angry, shocked or thought it was funny at the time but it was like she was looking for recognition from me. She ended up getting married at 18 and having her first child at 19. Asked my dad what in the world would make someone do that and he said it was God's plan for her life. I wonder what they think of God's plan for my life now.

My parents were different in Saudi and we could watch T.V and talk to guys. I made amazing friends and had my first boyfriend and despite there restrictions on woman it was one of the best times of my life. I was free from the church and the restrictions on who I was. As soon as they came back though it all went back to what it was before and that was when I saw the hypocrisy for what it was. It felt like one big joke and I hated God and didn't want to have anything to do with him. I went through a stage in my life where I did everything I was never allowed to. They lived there for 6 years and I was only there for 2 so I had 4 years in a different country from them without there say over what I did. Was great but I also bumped my head a lot which was ok. I wanted to live and let live but my heart was always the problem. Searching for something I never had and couldn't find.

The argument today with my sister was so strange because she was always the rebel and standing up to my parents and living life the way she wanted and now she is telling me how I should approach my ex. I can't bear talking to him anymore and if I have to see his face I think I'll just get to angry and have to walk away. Every time I think we have an understanding about our son the fucking clock strikes 12 and everything goes backwards so I am honestly done fighting and bothering. My sister of all people should understand this?? Maybe I am misunderstanding her (which seems to happen to me a lot) but it is the first time in a long time that I have felt this way about her and it hurts. Karma will get my ex and maybe I take a backwards approach to him by ignoring him and not facing the fact that he is screwing me over and I should fight for my financial well being but hell its easier and less stressful. I will make a plan to survive and then at least I will be proud to say I did it on my own! He is the last person I will ask for help from and I understand that he owes me but is it worth going through a text argument over once a month...no!

She doesn't want me to be taken for granted and run over so I guess I will be fighting some more. You can't chose your family and my sis and I use to hate each other until I moved to the States....we grew up a little and then we became long distance friends . Distance and time makes the heart grow fonder. To do this day if we spend too much time together we drive each other a bit insane and argue so I guess we'll leave it at that. Her opinion is her opinion and mine is mine and we love each other and will find a compromise. I just thought we had gotten to a point where we were the same but things like this make you see. Our differences come out when we hit a touchy subject and I guess we can't be the same. Same with my brother, boy we have our differences and maybe the distance helps with that. Family. In my case distance is the best medicine. I wonder if it is just me that has this problem and if I should care more but honestly its been 30 odd years and now its time to grow a pair. I have 50 odd years to go (hopefully) and its time to get what I want out of it and not for anyone else. I will always love my family and if they need me I will be there in a heart beat but as for me and my life I'll keep it to myself....

the letter

I've written a letter. I wrote it just under a month ago. I need to send it but I'm so scared and nervous. I have written from my heart, deep within my soul and put myself on 8 pages. I believe in this letter so much however every now and again I let other peoples views creep into my thoughts and I wonder if I am doing the wrong thing. Am I believing in something that is not real? Am I being so blind and naïve? No I am fighting for what I believe in and want! I really hate this about myself but I've noticed that it is happening less and less often. I am slowly becoming my own person! So this letter will be sent on Friday and probably be read on Friday and then I must wait and see the outcome. I think this will be the biggest test of my resolve and if I can actually accept the outcome, good or bad. It has burnt a hole in my bag/diary and now its time for it to go. The letter.  

road tripping

was driving home the other day trying to think of a happy memory that involved just me and my parents and I couldn't. I remember memories with my brother and sister or friends or other family. Weird thing is my sister was explaining this same thing to her shrink that very day and we chatted the next day bout it. It made me so emotional and I realised there is so much hidden that I am not prepared to deal with, ever. So I couldn't stand working anymore today and got in my car and drove to my hometown to see what it looked like after 18 years of not living there. Some things never change. School still looks exactly the same. Streets are still the same. I did have trouble recognising some of our earlier homes but I still remembered the street names. Was surreal.

 This was the old house of a very dear friend who left and obviously the house has gone to ruin. I have memories of him swinging me around on the front lawn and reading books together.

 My old primary school

 I use to run here every day at school and even grazed my chin so bad once in a fall I was convinced it would scar me for life

 The back of the school

 The hospital I was born in, back then it was something to talk about

We lived opposite this field once and the one day the electricity went out and my dad kicked the pole and a bolt of electricity set the whole place on fire.

I guess the memories are there they just need to be found. I miss my parents and who they were before religion got the better of all of us and we all grew up. I drove past my ex best friends house as well and there was something about that house, it had a round window at the top of the wall in the lounge which I use to stare at all the time when we had bible study. Weird the things you remember.

My Nana used to come and sell her paintings right outside that door every Sunday and we would play at the hotel. Everything seemed so much bigger back then haha.

So that was my little adventure for the day and I still haven't got my work done. Some things are just not worth it at the time I guess and I will get around to it eventually.

today 6.07.14

woke up from horrible nightmares of strange things today. feel so alone but I don't want to talk to anyone or say hello because if they ask how I am I'll break down and it will just be the same thing over again. will this feeling ever go away? what have I done? am I ever going to understand what happened and am I really gonna be really truly happy again? if you do come across my blog you will find it depressing and probably not want to come back again but that's ok because this is how I feel right now and no amount of "everything will be ok" 's will make it better. I miss my son and I miss my family (mostly my sister because she doesn't give me grief too much). I miss being happy and laughing and not waking up crying every single day. its a normal occurrence in my day now. I wish I could make it go away and sometimes I can but sometimes my will is not strong enough and the pain wins over. I wish I could understand I really do....so many questions and yet I just need to block them out and pretend it doesn't matter. that's what I am doing, pretending. I can't get answers so I pretend like I know and I make up a story in my head and carry on. as I write I am getting stronger and thinking you know crying is not worth it, do your work feel good about that and then go to gym and let off some steam and everything will be better....until tomorrow when I have to do the same thing again.

there is a reason for everything?

I used to believe very strongly in this phrase and you would hear me say it quite a bit, especially when I was trying to comfort or encourage someone. Well now that I am in the "shit" its a different story and I have to question that phrase. When someone says it to me now I just get irritated and want to actually just have a rant at them because they have no idea what it is like to be me. But then again am I being selfish and how did all those people I said it to feel when I said it to them? Did it encourage them or did it just get on their nerves. Don't get me wrong I know peoples intentions are only good and kind and the first couple of times and every other time in between that phrase picks me up a little, but I always come back to thinking does everything really happen for a reason and is that reason always good or does it just happen? What I'm going through makes me question it every second of the day. Did this happen to me to test my faith and strengthen it? Did this happen to test my marriage and to see if everything I said about marriage and divorce is true? Did it happen because I was meant to meet my soul mate and my ex-husband was really not the one for me no matter what I thought and said about marriage and divorce? Is my soul mate really my soul mate or was it all a lie? I know you not supposed to know the reason as your fate is being played out but that is something else I battle with at the moment...the phrase "in a year you will look back and laugh and be a better, stronger person than you are now". Do you have any idea how hard it will be and how far I have to dig within myself to make it through a year?? Yes maybe I might laugh then but what about the year or however long I spent getting there? What about all that heartache and pain does it just go away? No! Everything that has happened to me in my life has left a mark on me and some memory or part of it always brings pain, embarrassment or that dreaded feeling of rejection. I have to say that this one experience on its own doesn't come close to any other one event in my life and previous events or men/boyfriends never meant this much to me (which is so interesting on its own) so I can look back and say I am ok. I was chatting to my sister the other day and she said its so sad how these things will just make us harder and make it more difficult for us to love again or to really love someone at the fear of being rejected again and not good enough. But we decided we wouldn't let that happen and that hopefully this amazing love that everyone says it just out there waiting for us is actually real. Thinking about it now it's very difficult to not pull away from love and to believe that everything happens for a reason. Goodness knows what reason there is for this but I have often thought how much I feel like a puppet and God is playing games with me. If I did believe you pull away from love because you have been hurt so much I would never have fallen for him the way I did and I wouldn't have opened my heart and soul to him without hesitation the way I did....another phrase while we on it, "time heals everything". Now from the above you can imagine what my feelings on that is...I hate time, we don't all have this endless amount of time so stop wasting it and waiting for time to pass so everything will be "healed". Ok without sounding heartless in the case of death this is not possible but if you are alive and kicking that phrase should be deleted from your mind! My opinion (strange as it may be) is that we only have one life and if you want something you need to fight for it! Time won't heal my broken heart if I sit here waiting for it to pass. No only action will heal my heart and when you are broken hearted that is the last thing you want to do for fear of yet another rejection or being told everything will be ok eventually. You would rather stay in bed and pretend like the world doesn't exist and only live in your little head with your dreams. Maybe that is why they made up that phrase....

how much we take for granted

I follow fatmumslim on instagram and doing the photo a day challenge and today's theme is "something starting with a K", and my first thought was of a kiss. This made me think of how much I miss being kissed and how much I took a kiss for granted. How much I would give right now to be kissed by the one I love. How much I would give for just a smile or a touch from him and how much I would cherish it for every second that it happens and thereafter. How much did I take for granted that is no longer there. I use to complain about being the "house wife" and cooking every night and doing the laundry etc. and right now I am out of that comfort zone and I miss it. At the same time I am not sure I want to go back there because it is not with the one I love and I am not sure that is what would make me completely happy. The one I love however doesn't want me either so I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. How does a guy say you are his entire world and he will never give up on you and then suddenly switch off based on two mistakes that I made? That is a completely different conversation for another day. Complications...so from a combination of my life maybe I should make a list of what I feel I took for granted and no longer have (even though it may seem trivial against what some people don't have and I do):

• my own bed
• my own home and space
• a hug and a cuddle
• back tickles
• a kiss
• making love
• taking my son to school every morning
• fighting over who will cook and who will bath my son
• watching whatever show I want to on t.v.
• getting messages to say "I love you" and "I miss you"
• having Skype calls to smile and see a smile and just be me
• road trips
• 3am morning calls to say I love him
• the reassurance that I am amazing and worth the world to someone
• family
• having something to do that involves people on the weekend and not just me on my own, even though this is the furthest thing from what I want to do right now because everything reminds me of him.
• planning for the future

today 01.07.14

have you ever been in a situation where you think what's happening can not possibly be real and your heart is screaming at you and your head is not saying a word as it is afraid to let the truth out? That is how my mornings, afternoon, occasional moment in the day are most days and no, no one has died but I have lost too much in the last 3 months to be ok. I am a human that overthinks almost everything and that might be my down fall most of the time. Today was a rough day and the tears wouldn't stop flowing for every little thing. I never use to be this person, I love to laugh and am always loud and out there. Now I am quiet and keep to my ear phones and cry a lot. That is not what I want to be but its so difficult to see further than the next 5 minutes. When I do laugh its refreshing and then I cry because I am happy haha. I always thought I knew what heartbreak is but I actually had no idea at all. Maybe what I am feeling is not even the worst or there are different types but it is nothing like I thought it was. I sit at work now with a mountain of work and I can't even force myself to do anything. I want to go home and drink my whisky or wine and smoke until I fall asleep. I actually have so much to live for but I cant remember it.