today 01.07.14

have you ever been in a situation where you think what's happening can not possibly be real and your heart is screaming at you and your head is not saying a word as it is afraid to let the truth out? That is how my mornings, afternoon, occasional moment in the day are most days and no, no one has died but I have lost too much in the last 3 months to be ok. I am a human that overthinks almost everything and that might be my down fall most of the time. Today was a rough day and the tears wouldn't stop flowing for every little thing. I never use to be this person, I love to laugh and am always loud and out there. Now I am quiet and keep to my ear phones and cry a lot. That is not what I want to be but its so difficult to see further than the next 5 minutes. When I do laugh its refreshing and then I cry because I am happy haha. I always thought I knew what heartbreak is but I actually had no idea at all. Maybe what I am feeling is not even the worst or there are different types but it is nothing like I thought it was. I sit at work now with a mountain of work and I can't even force myself to do anything. I want to go home and drink my whisky or wine and smoke until I fall asleep. I actually have so much to live for but I cant remember it.