I couldn't sleep anymore, a million things running through my head. I wish I could switch my mind off. It is getting better and I seem to be holding myself together. Is that what he wants, is he just waiting for the day when I will forget him and move on? Am I humiliating myself every time I talk to him and put my heart on my sleeve? Should I stop talking to him and save myself the humiliation? Is it humiliation or does he actually give a shit and he is too (I don't know what word to use) to be upfront with me? Am I expecting too much? Has he moved on to someone else already and I am in the dark and everything I imagine is not real and just in my head? I honestly believed my letter would make a difference and that something would click but maybe I am too hasty. Maybe I just need to give it time and be patient?
I just wanted it to be simple, you love someone and want to be with them you tell them and show them, end of story. You make it work from there and get through the rough things together because you love each other and want to be together. I thought we were very similar and wanted the same things out of life. After the letter there was a whole weekend of chatting and flirting and then it went quiet and I was left wondering again. I am sure you can tell I am not good with time and waiting. It helps to write these things down and get it out my head...for a little bit... my heart is breaking over and over again but I guess its my own fault because I believe and then nothing...why can't it be simple? Just like my marriage where I tried and tried just to be rejected over and over, just like my childhood where I disappointed my parents and was an embarrassment over and over. I thought I had found the one person and I wouldn't be rejected for anything again, and I screwed that up to.
How do I deal with this? I am strong everyday and I make it through every day and I hide it from the people around me but when its just me I break. I don't want anyone's pity or critism. I believe in myself and the person I am so much but am so confused when the people I love can't see it and that's when I question myself again. Is the fault with them? I am an amazing woman with so much love to give if someone will just give me a fucking chance! I just want a chance that is all....
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