emotions...

I am so angry with myself right now, or maybe a better word is frustrated. I feel like a yoyo and one minute I am ok and managing and the next I am overcome with such a sense of loss and pain I can't function. I am trying so hard to be strong and to show I can do this but I am tired and I just want to let it all go. Just let the flood gates open and scream to the heavens that I am not ok and I can't handle what it is throwing at me anymore and I just want to give up. Can I give up? I wish I could...I wish I could throw in the towel and tell God I am ready to leave this earth, but then I have a responsibility to my son. At times like this I am terribly selfish and inhumane and I wish it was just me in this world and I could just pack my bags and go. Leave on the next plane out of here and disappear from everything and everyone that is hurting me. I am very good at that and have done it before and can quite easily do it again and I know you think I am running away but it worked when I needed it. This time however I want to try and face it head on because I believe what I am fighting for is worth it for the first time in life.

I am trying so hard to not let my emotions get the better of me and rule my day but it is exhausting. I can't imagine myself with anyone else or building a home with anyone else and the mere thought of having to find someone else makes me want to gag. I didn't see this coming in the first place and then it did and now it feels like a hurricane blew through my life and there is nothing I can do to fix it. I want to fix it so badly and I have tried but now I am not sure where I stand and if I will get another chance. Everyone tells me fix yourself and be happy with yourself first....note to everyone else I am perfectly happy with me. I know who I am and what I want out of life and is it so terrible to want to share it with the person you love more than anything and believe in more than anything? Just because I don't want to be on my own means I am weak or not happy with myself.

Will I get to a point where I will give up and open myself up to other opportunities? That will be a sad day and right now I would rather just carry on the way I am rather than think that that is possible; it hurts way to much to give up on something I believe so strongly in and know is the best thing that ever happened to me...