learning every day

had a kak day and spoke to my sister (who is too wise for her age) and need to document what she said somewhere so I always remember it:

do you think you're maybe thinking too much, doubting and just needing to know he loves you in some pure and perfect way, when he really just does love you and can't explain it the same way every day? Okay think about what would attract you to him, and do the same for him.

But when he was calling too much when you were in CT before you guys first broke up... rem how you used to get annoyed? Yes it made you feel boosted cos he was over thinking over worrying... but maybe now it’s a stronger love and he doesn't feel the need to do that

Maybe he felt and saw it was too much of a roller coaster before?

No I'm just saying this cos I feel like I know you need attention, and we won't always get attention so you have to accept the love as what it is and not question. Just literally say awesome, and carry on with your day. Don’t think about the future or how it’s going to go wrong and don't be silly, of course it isn't you.

He DOES want you he says he does every day. He shows you and sends you poems and words and calls you first and last; of course he loves you think about it drastically, he didn't do that when you first met maybe leave him alone for a day and find your own grounding. Just find your own happiness for a day cos you can't suck it out of someone else. I know you think it’s changed cos he doesn't send the same poems etc. but that doesn't mean it’s changed.

There’s something about you he fell in love with and it’s not the needy you. It’s the strong, independent, happy one. Something you keep saying that he says is he wants someone happy and to just trust. That’s literally all he wants. Simplify it. Take away all the crap. Breathe. start again and send a simple msg if you want to say that you'll take some time to try see why you're worrying, to please be patient and thanking him for the msg's. My therapist put it this way and it stuck with me - we have two different kinds of thoughts. Fear, and love. Fear is the manic, overthinking, chaotic, needy, desperate one that pops up and shouts through. Love is the deep underlying one that comes through strong and loud, through all the bullshit. We have to confront a situation by saying okay instead of worrying and being anxious here, I'm going to send a thankful, loving msg to say I hope you're well and I loved this or that about that day and I'm looking forward to seeing you etc. Drive out the fear. It’s just fear and we can't fear we're going to lose something, cos that'll drive it away sis...

 

I love you sis and thank you for always helping your crazy batty sister who really has lost the plot a bit lately.

demons...

I've wanted to write so many times over the last few months but I never seemed to get enough time or I wasn't very inspired. I missed it and I don't want to think I only write when I am a little down but it is my way of letting off a bit of steam and trying to rationalise what is going on in my head...

I am not happy...I feel like I've done full circle and in the same position as I was in in my marriage but a little worse off. I feel like I'm giving too much of myself again and not getting what I need in return. I don't think this is being selfish it's just opened my eyes because this is what they mean by compromise and being the least. So what if you unhappy for a bit don't you get a smile on your face at the end of the day and it all gets worked out? Not so much in my relationships. Currently I get the phone put down on me quite a bit, get told I'm always negative and always have an issue with something. This makes me wonder about myself and I have lost a lot of self confidence. I was unhappy in my marriage but I wasn't depressed and I still had my sparkle. Where has it gone? Why am I so disappointed? Do I really think too much into everything or is my gut trying to tell me something?

I get told that I'm always having a go at him...I am trying to iron out the issues in our relationship and just get him to open up but he says I'm just attacking him. So how am I supposed to fix the things that eat away at my heart? Must I just ignore them and hope they'll come right? I did that before and look where it got me...in bed with another man and tore my family apart. What's done is done I can't go back and I've made peace with it but when I look at the future I don't see the happiness or love I imagined. He has changed and I don't know how to handle it.

He says I broke him when I kept choosing my then husband over him and the things I did but I wonder if he actually realized the trauma I went through and what I gone through to be with him? Does he realise my heart is broken and every time I look at my son I hurt because he too has lost his sparkle and keeps asking when we all going to live together again. He once told me that he always gets what he wants and he wanted me and he got me. Is that real love? Would he really give up everything to be with me? My impression is no because I am always being blamed for everything and he quite easily will say "he's done". And if we did break up he would tell me that I have found someone else and that's why I am leaving him when in all honesty I would rather be on my own for the rest of my life than have to feel so hurt and have drama.

I try so hard to be there for him but he takes it the wrong way. Why can't we just be easy going and not get so uptight all the time? Why can't we just love each other and be happy and carefree? Why can't if the one is having a bad day the other is there for them and the love and concern is appreciated and noted? Why does it feel like a battle all the time as if we protecting our egos?

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.