demons...

I've wanted to write so many times over the last few months but I never seemed to get enough time or I wasn't very inspired. I missed it and I don't want to think I only write when I am a little down but it is my way of letting off a bit of steam and trying to rationalise what is going on in my head...

I am not happy...I feel like I've done full circle and in the same position as I was in in my marriage but a little worse off. I feel like I'm giving too much of myself again and not getting what I need in return. I don't think this is being selfish it's just opened my eyes because this is what they mean by compromise and being the least. So what if you unhappy for a bit don't you get a smile on your face at the end of the day and it all gets worked out? Not so much in my relationships. Currently I get the phone put down on me quite a bit, get told I'm always negative and always have an issue with something. This makes me wonder about myself and I have lost a lot of self confidence. I was unhappy in my marriage but I wasn't depressed and I still had my sparkle. Where has it gone? Why am I so disappointed? Do I really think too much into everything or is my gut trying to tell me something?

I get told that I'm always having a go at him...I am trying to iron out the issues in our relationship and just get him to open up but he says I'm just attacking him. So how am I supposed to fix the things that eat away at my heart? Must I just ignore them and hope they'll come right? I did that before and look where it got me...in bed with another man and tore my family apart. What's done is done I can't go back and I've made peace with it but when I look at the future I don't see the happiness or love I imagined. He has changed and I don't know how to handle it.

He says I broke him when I kept choosing my then husband over him and the things I did but I wonder if he actually realized the trauma I went through and what I gone through to be with him? Does he realise my heart is broken and every time I look at my son I hurt because he too has lost his sparkle and keeps asking when we all going to live together again. He once told me that he always gets what he wants and he wanted me and he got me. Is that real love? Would he really give up everything to be with me? My impression is no because I am always being blamed for everything and he quite easily will say "he's done". And if we did break up he would tell me that I have found someone else and that's why I am leaving him when in all honesty I would rather be on my own for the rest of my life than have to feel so hurt and have drama.

I try so hard to be there for him but he takes it the wrong way. Why can't we just be easy going and not get so uptight all the time? Why can't we just love each other and be happy and carefree? Why can't if the one is having a bad day the other is there for them and the love and concern is appreciated and noted? Why does it feel like a battle all the time as if we protecting our egos?

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.