it's going to rain, I love the rain here especially the thunderstorms. I love how nature has no boundaries and is so beautiful and so harsh at the same time. It reminds me of how small and insignificant I can be but at the same time given such a privilege to live on this earth.
I love being outside and just watching things around me. the way the leaves move on the trees in the wind, the way the clouds make shapes and look so beautiful up there. Nature calms me and inspires me to do better. If I could I would put my desk outside and work in the garden all day.
When I was a child I use to spend hours in the garden growing things and I remember being so proud of everything I had. My gran got me hooked and we use to always be on our knees in the garden...that was until I became a teenage and the prospect of tv was more interesting.
God is in nature, all around us, all the time. So much to appreciate and be thankful for just by breathing in fresh air.
Thursday, 22 January 2015
Monday, 8 December 2014
learning every day
had a kak day and spoke to my sister (who is too wise for her age) and need to document what she said somewhere so I always remember it:
do you think you're maybe thinking too much, doubting and
just needing to know he loves you in some pure and perfect way, when he really
just does love you and can't explain it the same way every day? Okay think
about what would attract you to him, and do the same for him.
But when he was calling too much when you were in CT before
you guys first broke up... rem how you used to get annoyed? Yes it made you
feel boosted cos he was over thinking over worrying... but maybe now it’s a
stronger love and he doesn't feel the need to do that
Maybe he felt and saw it was too much of a roller coaster
before?
No I'm just saying this cos I feel like I know you need
attention, and we won't always get attention so you have to accept the love as
what it is and not question. Just literally say awesome, and carry on with your
day. Don’t think about the future or how it’s going to go wrong and don't be
silly, of course it isn't you.
He DOES want you he says he does every day. He shows you and
sends you poems and words and calls you first and last; of course he loves you think
about it drastically, he didn't do that when you first met maybe leave him
alone for a day and find your own grounding. Just find your own happiness for a
day cos you can't suck it out of someone else. I know you think it’s changed
cos he doesn't send the same poems etc. but that doesn't mean it’s changed.
There’s something about you he fell in love with and it’s
not the needy you. It’s the strong, independent, happy one. Something you
keep saying that he says is he wants someone happy and to just trust. That’s
literally all he wants. Simplify it. Take away all the crap. Breathe. start
again and send a simple msg if you want to say that you'll take some time to
try see why you're worrying, to please be patient and thanking him for the
msg's. My therapist put it this way and it stuck with me - we have two different
kinds of thoughts. Fear, and love. Fear is the manic, overthinking, chaotic,
needy, desperate one that pops up and shouts through. Love is the deep
underlying one that comes through strong and loud, through all the bullshit. We
have to confront a situation by saying okay instead of worrying and being
anxious here, I'm going to send a thankful, loving msg to say I hope you're
well and I loved this or that about that day and I'm looking forward to seeing
you etc. Drive out the fear. It’s just fear and we can't fear we're going to
lose something, cos that'll drive it away sis...
I love you sis and thank you for always helping your crazy batty sister who really has lost the plot a bit lately.
Tuesday, 2 December 2014
demons...
I've wanted to write so many times over the last few months but I never seemed to get enough time or I wasn't very inspired. I missed it and I don't want to think I only write when I am a little down but it is my way of letting off a bit of steam and trying to rationalise what is going on in my head...
I am not happy...I feel like I've done full circle and in the same position as I was in in my marriage but a little worse off. I feel like I'm giving too much of myself again and not getting what I need in return. I don't think this is being selfish it's just opened my eyes because this is what they mean by compromise and being the least. So what if you unhappy for a bit don't you get a smile on your face at the end of the day and it all gets worked out? Not so much in my relationships. Currently I get the phone put down on me quite a bit, get told I'm always negative and always have an issue with something. This makes me wonder about myself and I have lost a lot of self confidence. I was unhappy in my marriage but I wasn't depressed and I still had my sparkle. Where has it gone? Why am I so disappointed? Do I really think too much into everything or is my gut trying to tell me something?
I get told that I'm always having a go at him...I am trying to iron out the issues in our relationship and just get him to open up but he says I'm just attacking him. So how am I supposed to fix the things that eat away at my heart? Must I just ignore them and hope they'll come right? I did that before and look where it got me...in bed with another man and tore my family apart. What's done is done I can't go back and I've made peace with it but when I look at the future I don't see the happiness or love I imagined. He has changed and I don't know how to handle it.
He says I broke him when I kept choosing my then husband over him and the things I did but I wonder if he actually realized the trauma I went through and what I gone through to be with him? Does he realise my heart is broken and every time I look at my son I hurt because he too has lost his sparkle and keeps asking when we all going to live together again. He once told me that he always gets what he wants and he wanted me and he got me. Is that real love? Would he really give up everything to be with me? My impression is no because I am always being blamed for everything and he quite easily will say "he's done". And if we did break up he would tell me that I have found someone else and that's why I am leaving him when in all honesty I would rather be on my own for the rest of my life than have to feel so hurt and have drama.
I try so hard to be there for him but he takes it the wrong way. Why can't we just be easy going and not get so uptight all the time? Why can't we just love each other and be happy and carefree? Why can't if the one is having a bad day the other is there for them and the love and concern is appreciated and noted? Why does it feel like a battle all the time as if we protecting our egos?
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
I am not happy...I feel like I've done full circle and in the same position as I was in in my marriage but a little worse off. I feel like I'm giving too much of myself again and not getting what I need in return. I don't think this is being selfish it's just opened my eyes because this is what they mean by compromise and being the least. So what if you unhappy for a bit don't you get a smile on your face at the end of the day and it all gets worked out? Not so much in my relationships. Currently I get the phone put down on me quite a bit, get told I'm always negative and always have an issue with something. This makes me wonder about myself and I have lost a lot of self confidence. I was unhappy in my marriage but I wasn't depressed and I still had my sparkle. Where has it gone? Why am I so disappointed? Do I really think too much into everything or is my gut trying to tell me something?
I get told that I'm always having a go at him...I am trying to iron out the issues in our relationship and just get him to open up but he says I'm just attacking him. So how am I supposed to fix the things that eat away at my heart? Must I just ignore them and hope they'll come right? I did that before and look where it got me...in bed with another man and tore my family apart. What's done is done I can't go back and I've made peace with it but when I look at the future I don't see the happiness or love I imagined. He has changed and I don't know how to handle it.
He says I broke him when I kept choosing my then husband over him and the things I did but I wonder if he actually realized the trauma I went through and what I gone through to be with him? Does he realise my heart is broken and every time I look at my son I hurt because he too has lost his sparkle and keeps asking when we all going to live together again. He once told me that he always gets what he wants and he wanted me and he got me. Is that real love? Would he really give up everything to be with me? My impression is no because I am always being blamed for everything and he quite easily will say "he's done". And if we did break up he would tell me that I have found someone else and that's why I am leaving him when in all honesty I would rather be on my own for the rest of my life than have to feel so hurt and have drama.
I try so hard to be there for him but he takes it the wrong way. Why can't we just be easy going and not get so uptight all the time? Why can't we just love each other and be happy and carefree? Why can't if the one is having a bad day the other is there for them and the love and concern is appreciated and noted? Why does it feel like a battle all the time as if we protecting our egos?
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
Thursday, 21 August 2014
what i am scared of...
...history repeating itself leaving me broken and alone again. It is so difficult to live my life without this thought in the back of my head. How do I get it to go away and not affect aspects of my life? They are my fears. I shouldn't give into the negative thoughts, I should shut them out. When I am bored I let them fester and grow bigger because I want something to happen. How can I want something terrible to happen, why does my mind go there, is it normal, does everyone experience the day mares I have? Positive thinking and keeping myself busy at times of boredom is the best remedy and I must constantly remind myself of this. As much as I hate drama queens I am bit of one myself.
I don't believe I deserve something good and amazing to happen to me. As much as I hate my father for this personality trait he has it has rubbed off on me, I just keep it inside and when insecure it rears its ugly head. Why would something so perfect happen to me, there has to be something wrong with it right? It can't actually be so good and something will go really wrong right? Has this thinking my whole life gotten me to where I am now? No that I strongly do not believe because despite everything I am the biggest optimist I know and after wallowing for a bit will climb out of the hole on my own and fix myself. I think that is one thing I have learnt; don't rely on anyone else to reassure you or make you feel better because only you can do this. Only you knows you and knows what you want and need so you need to be positive enough to know when to stand up and get through it....
I don't believe I deserve something good and amazing to happen to me. As much as I hate my father for this personality trait he has it has rubbed off on me, I just keep it inside and when insecure it rears its ugly head. Why would something so perfect happen to me, there has to be something wrong with it right? It can't actually be so good and something will go really wrong right? Has this thinking my whole life gotten me to where I am now? No that I strongly do not believe because despite everything I am the biggest optimist I know and after wallowing for a bit will climb out of the hole on my own and fix myself. I think that is one thing I have learnt; don't rely on anyone else to reassure you or make you feel better because only you can do this. Only you knows you and knows what you want and need so you need to be positive enough to know when to stand up and get through it....
Monday, 11 August 2014
11.08.14
how do I explain the last week in words, how do I portray the way you always dream of something happening and then it does and you just sit there. I still have to pinch myself from time to time and brush the terrible nightmares of something going wrong out of my mind, but it is real. It isn't going to be easy but I am so excited and happy. At the same time I think I am at the right time in my life, I know what I want and I was at a point where I was ok to be alone and figure it out myself so this is an added bonus...big bonus!
Sunday, 3 August 2014
03.08.14
Today was a very productive day, went into the office and worked and had my music playing with no one to bother me. I had my phone stolen a couple of days ago and at first I freaked and then got bored out of my mind but now I am getting used to it. Maybe that is because I still have my laptop but its quite liberating not worrying about what is happening out there. If someone really wants to talk to me they will find a way. Makes you realise what is important and even after the whole day in the office I am exhausted I feel like I'm getting somewhere.
Wednesday, 30 July 2014
memories
hearing your voice over the phone that first time
diving into the "pool" together
diving into the "pool" together
waiting nervously for you to arrive to pick me up
seeing the first glimpse of you
giving you that first hug
the first kiss and trying to breathe
looking you in the eyes and watching you
sitting on the other end of your desk and watching you work
listening for your voice around every corner
waiting for the end of the day to hold you
a glass of red wine on the deck and chatting forever
running around in circles like a nana after finding out our combine history
asking you to take the towel off from around your shoulders because I wanted to see you
talking about tress and deciding on a tattoo
telling you I loved you
watching you pack and unpack the mini bars
driving to the closest camp to the shop
watching you walk after checking in guests to my room and coming to say hi
driving back to my car from one camp to another and swopping music along the way
the way they made me cry
leaning over you in the game vehicle to see a terrapin
saying goodbye when we reached my car and you hugged and kissed me and whispered, "I love you"
the look on your face as you walked away
driving home and crying most of the way until the next time we saw each other
getting your supportive messages and "I love you's" all day every day
waiting for you at the airport and hugging you
buying your ring together and seeing you wear it
seeing how our hands fit so perfectly together
going on our first dinner date and killing myself in those shoes
waking up to you
getting our tattoo together and having hot dogs for breakfast
being told by a stranger to "get a room"
going to the shops to get a pregnancy test and it being negative and I was confident I was ok but it was too early to tell
dropping you at the airport and saying goodbye
driving down to the coast to see you last minute and spending the weekend at your sisters place
getting your messages every 30 minutes to check if I was ok
watching you hold my son and getting on so well
spending time with your family and being accepted so easily
playing cards with your daughter on the trampoline
hearing your daughter ask to sleep with me in my bed for the night
swimming with the kids and watching them laugh and play together
taking my son to see the little aeroplane and looking over the hills that reminded me of my younger days
sneaking into your room to get a cuddle and say good morning
having to leave again and the way my heart sank thinking of the drama at home
the way you kissed me goodbye in the bathroom
waiting for the next weekend that I would see you
dreaming of our wedding and where it would be
finding our wedding song
the thought of me being pregnant with your child and you kissing my big belly
waiting for you to come back from leave
watching you walk out at the arrivals lounge and the big smile on your face
actually hugging and kissing you hello not caring who saw
driving to your dad's place at the dam and meeting them for the first time
having our own space and cooking for your parents
waking up to a horror story but it all working out at the end of the day
going to watch the rugby at the clubhouse and not being able to cheer because of the meeting hehe
meeting that weird shirtless guy and talking about wildlife all night
dancing on the bar and kissing to our hearts content with not a care in the world
taking lots of pictures
walking home drunk and getting lost and giggling all the way
hearing your parents going at it when we got home and not being able to contain ourselves
driving back to your dad's home from the dam and cooking dinner together
the quickie in the scullery and on the couch
working and watching you and feeling you kiss my neck every time you passed
watching you wave goodbye as I left...again
waiting for the next time I could see you
the day we figured out how to Skype video and seeing your face and smile
renting a car to drive to you for the night and driving like the wind
as I got to you seeing you run out the back door of your office to meet me and me half running to you
doing the bush dinner run and trying to work out what we would do for dinner and rugby
hating making you stress when you were so busy at work but just wanting you all to myself
going to the main camp for dinner and having a silly fight over my husband
trying again and going to the clubhouse for dinner
having another altercation over my husband and getting back to your place and pulling you close and telling you to shut up and kissing you and making love
getting up early and the chef making me quick eggs before I drove home again
packing to go and visit my parents for 2 1/2 weeks
getting there and explaining my story after a chat with you and hearing them half understanding
going through the motions and being put on the spot with my marriage and faith
your continuous understanding and telling me to go back to my husband if it will stop the critics and then they could see I was really not happy
having my husband join us and the awkward moments
staying with my sister and skyping with her there and having so much fun just being me
doing another pregnancy test and finding out it was positive
skyping with you and you telling me it would all be ok and us being excited together
driving to you again after getting back from visiting my parents
you having the afternoon off and us going to the closest town
doing more pregnancy tests and it was definitely positive
having sushi for lunch together and it not being the best ever lol
driving around and going to visit the waterfall
how enjoyable that drive was and giggling and laughing like school kids
having a quickie up the mountain and then my sensitivity about it
watching you bitch all the way down and me just listening
the way you looked at me at the bottom and your frown and anger turning into a smile and laughing
driving back to your work and meeting everyone for a drink
being nervous of being seen together and then eventually just giving in
kissing you in front of everyone
going down to the bridge with drinks and lying under the stars together laughing
telling everyone we were pregnant
driving around the game reserve waiting for you to finish work the next day
making you and your office chick pea curry for dinner
going home to end it all
moving in with my aunt and uncle
getting it from all ends, husband and parents
hearing my son say I am not his mommy anymore because I don't live there anymore
going to see the gynae and seeing the little thing growing in my tummy
losing the baby
you coming to see me last minute
you meeting my aunt and uncle for the first time and how it just felt so right you being there
driving to your dad's place and being stuck in traffic for an hour
pouring my heart out and you just listening to me
remembering your feet perched on my dashboard and the way you crossed your legs in my car
running a hot bath and giving me a massage before tucking me into bed
waking up to you and touching your face
having breakfast together at house of coffees before dropping you at the airport again
moving back in with my husband to try the 30 day trial period and it not lasting 2 days
thinking I hadn't actually lost the baby as was still feeling nauseas and test was still positive
having a massive fight and emotional abuse with him
fighting with you over it and losing you
driving half way to you at 3am to tell you I was sorry and I loved you and telling me it wouldn't make a difference
breaking down completely the next day
you taking me back after my apologies and us trying to work at it again
organising a secret picnic for you and us and buying blankets and candles, finding the perfect place
seeing you again at the airport and getting the longest hug
driving to your dad's place and meeting them somewhere to get keys
driving to the picnic place and watching the sun set
going back to your dad's place to set up the picnic there cuz it was too cold
lying naked on the electric blanket after dinner talking about the hard stuff
I remember how terrible I felt because of all the pain I was causing every way I turned
waking up to a better day and kisses
going for breakfast with your parents and then the mall
watching the rugby together and having drinks
meeting new friends and talking a lot!
getting a little too drunk and having another altercation over my husband
more pain that I seemed to be causing for everyone I came in contact with
you calming me down and telling me it will all be ok
having such a terrible hang over by 8pm and us going home to sleep
waking up and not knowing what to do with myself
wanting to hold you and make everything better but not knowing how
pushing away instead
telling you I can't hurt anyone anymore and we should just be friends
watching the tears fall down your face and kissing them away
not realising what I was doing to your heart and only thinking of not hurting you again when all you wanted was to be with me
watching you walk away at the airport and wanting to run in after you not realising that was the last time I would see you...........
looking you in the eyes and watching you
sitting on the other end of your desk and watching you work
listening for your voice around every corner
waiting for the end of the day to hold you
a glass of red wine on the deck and chatting forever
running around in circles like a nana after finding out our combine history
asking you to take the towel off from around your shoulders because I wanted to see you
talking about tress and deciding on a tattoo
telling you I loved you
watching you pack and unpack the mini bars
driving to the closest camp to the shop
watching you walk after checking in guests to my room and coming to say hi
driving back to my car from one camp to another and swopping music along the way
the way they made me cry
leaning over you in the game vehicle to see a terrapin
saying goodbye when we reached my car and you hugged and kissed me and whispered, "I love you"
the look on your face as you walked away
driving home and crying most of the way until the next time we saw each other
getting your supportive messages and "I love you's" all day every day
waiting for you at the airport and hugging you
buying your ring together and seeing you wear it
seeing how our hands fit so perfectly together
going on our first dinner date and killing myself in those shoes
waking up to you
getting our tattoo together and having hot dogs for breakfast
being told by a stranger to "get a room"
going to the shops to get a pregnancy test and it being negative and I was confident I was ok but it was too early to tell
dropping you at the airport and saying goodbye
driving down to the coast to see you last minute and spending the weekend at your sisters place
getting your messages every 30 minutes to check if I was ok
watching you hold my son and getting on so well
spending time with your family and being accepted so easily
playing cards with your daughter on the trampoline
hearing your daughter ask to sleep with me in my bed for the night
swimming with the kids and watching them laugh and play together
taking my son to see the little aeroplane and looking over the hills that reminded me of my younger days
sneaking into your room to get a cuddle and say good morning
having to leave again and the way my heart sank thinking of the drama at home
the way you kissed me goodbye in the bathroom
waiting for the next weekend that I would see you
dreaming of our wedding and where it would be
finding our wedding song
the thought of me being pregnant with your child and you kissing my big belly
waiting for you to come back from leave
watching you walk out at the arrivals lounge and the big smile on your face
actually hugging and kissing you hello not caring who saw
driving to your dad's place at the dam and meeting them for the first time
having our own space and cooking for your parents
waking up to a horror story but it all working out at the end of the day
going to watch the rugby at the clubhouse and not being able to cheer because of the meeting hehe
meeting that weird shirtless guy and talking about wildlife all night
dancing on the bar and kissing to our hearts content with not a care in the world
taking lots of pictures
walking home drunk and getting lost and giggling all the way
hearing your parents going at it when we got home and not being able to contain ourselves
driving back to your dad's home from the dam and cooking dinner together
the quickie in the scullery and on the couch
working and watching you and feeling you kiss my neck every time you passed
watching you wave goodbye as I left...again
waiting for the next time I could see you
the day we figured out how to Skype video and seeing your face and smile
renting a car to drive to you for the night and driving like the wind
as I got to you seeing you run out the back door of your office to meet me and me half running to you
doing the bush dinner run and trying to work out what we would do for dinner and rugby
hating making you stress when you were so busy at work but just wanting you all to myself
going to the main camp for dinner and having a silly fight over my husband
trying again and going to the clubhouse for dinner
having another altercation over my husband and getting back to your place and pulling you close and telling you to shut up and kissing you and making love
getting up early and the chef making me quick eggs before I drove home again
packing to go and visit my parents for 2 1/2 weeks
getting there and explaining my story after a chat with you and hearing them half understanding
going through the motions and being put on the spot with my marriage and faith
your continuous understanding and telling me to go back to my husband if it will stop the critics and then they could see I was really not happy
having my husband join us and the awkward moments
staying with my sister and skyping with her there and having so much fun just being me
doing another pregnancy test and finding out it was positive
skyping with you and you telling me it would all be ok and us being excited together
driving to you again after getting back from visiting my parents
you having the afternoon off and us going to the closest town
doing more pregnancy tests and it was definitely positive
having sushi for lunch together and it not being the best ever lol
driving around and going to visit the waterfall
how enjoyable that drive was and giggling and laughing like school kids
having a quickie up the mountain and then my sensitivity about it
watching you bitch all the way down and me just listening
the way you looked at me at the bottom and your frown and anger turning into a smile and laughing
driving back to your work and meeting everyone for a drink
being nervous of being seen together and then eventually just giving in
kissing you in front of everyone
going down to the bridge with drinks and lying under the stars together laughing
telling everyone we were pregnant
driving around the game reserve waiting for you to finish work the next day
making you and your office chick pea curry for dinner
going home to end it all
moving in with my aunt and uncle
getting it from all ends, husband and parents
hearing my son say I am not his mommy anymore because I don't live there anymore
going to see the gynae and seeing the little thing growing in my tummy
losing the baby
you coming to see me last minute
you meeting my aunt and uncle for the first time and how it just felt so right you being there
driving to your dad's place and being stuck in traffic for an hour
pouring my heart out and you just listening to me
remembering your feet perched on my dashboard and the way you crossed your legs in my car
running a hot bath and giving me a massage before tucking me into bed
waking up to you and touching your face
having breakfast together at house of coffees before dropping you at the airport again
moving back in with my husband to try the 30 day trial period and it not lasting 2 days
thinking I hadn't actually lost the baby as was still feeling nauseas and test was still positive
having a massive fight and emotional abuse with him
fighting with you over it and losing you
driving half way to you at 3am to tell you I was sorry and I loved you and telling me it wouldn't make a difference
breaking down completely the next day
you taking me back after my apologies and us trying to work at it again
organising a secret picnic for you and us and buying blankets and candles, finding the perfect place
seeing you again at the airport and getting the longest hug
driving to your dad's place and meeting them somewhere to get keys
driving to the picnic place and watching the sun set
going back to your dad's place to set up the picnic there cuz it was too cold
lying naked on the electric blanket after dinner talking about the hard stuff
I remember how terrible I felt because of all the pain I was causing every way I turned
waking up to a better day and kisses
going for breakfast with your parents and then the mall
watching the rugby together and having drinks
meeting new friends and talking a lot!
getting a little too drunk and having another altercation over my husband
more pain that I seemed to be causing for everyone I came in contact with
you calming me down and telling me it will all be ok
having such a terrible hang over by 8pm and us going home to sleep
waking up and not knowing what to do with myself
wanting to hold you and make everything better but not knowing how
pushing away instead
telling you I can't hurt anyone anymore and we should just be friends
watching the tears fall down your face and kissing them away
not realising what I was doing to your heart and only thinking of not hurting you again when all you wanted was to be with me
watching you walk away at the airport and wanting to run in after you not realising that was the last time I would see you...........
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