what i am scared of...

...history repeating itself leaving me broken and alone again. It is so difficult to live my life without this thought in the back of my head. How do I get it to go away and not affect aspects of my life? They are my fears. I shouldn't give into the negative thoughts, I should shut them out. When I am bored I let them fester and grow bigger because I want something to happen. How can I want something terrible to happen, why does my mind go there, is it normal, does everyone experience the day mares I have? Positive thinking and keeping myself busy at times of boredom is the best remedy and I must constantly remind myself of this. As much as I hate drama queens I am bit of one myself.

I don't believe I deserve something good and amazing to happen to me. As much as I hate my father for this personality trait he has it has rubbed off on me, I just keep it inside and when insecure it rears its ugly head. Why would something so perfect happen to me, there has to be something wrong with it right? It can't actually be so good and something will go really wrong right? Has this thinking my whole life gotten me to where I am now? No that I strongly do not believe because despite everything I am the biggest optimist I know and after wallowing for a bit will climb out of the hole on my own and fix myself. I think that is one thing I have learnt; don't rely on anyone else to reassure you or make you feel better because only you can do this. Only you knows you and knows what you want and need so you need to be positive enough to know when to stand up and get through it....

11.08.14

how do I explain the last week in words, how do I portray the way you always dream of something happening and then it does and you just sit there. I still have to pinch myself from time to time and brush the terrible nightmares of something going wrong out of my mind, but it is real. It isn't going to be easy but I am so excited and happy. At the same time I think I am at the right time in my life, I know what I want and I was at a point where I was ok to be alone and figure it out myself so this is an added bonus...big bonus!

03.08.14

Today was a very productive day, went into the office and worked and had my music playing with no one to bother me. I had my phone stolen a couple of days ago and at first I freaked and then got bored out of my mind but now I am getting used to it. Maybe that is because I still have my laptop but its quite liberating not worrying about what is happening out there. If someone really wants to talk to me they will find a way. Makes you realise what is important and even after the whole day in the office I am exhausted I feel like I'm getting somewhere.