the 21st March was probably the best and worst day of my life....the best as I decided to go out on a limb to find real happiness and fell in love, but also the worst day because it has led to today. I wish I could rewind and go back in time and that none of this happened and then I wouldn't have to deal with this pain. The pain of rejection and not being good enough. Yes I was unhappy in my marriage but compared to this pain it is NOTHING! I would rather have the certainty of having my son with me everyday and my own home and the occasional love of my husband than being rejected by the one person I believe to be my soul mate and who I have loved more than anyone or anything. This pain is unbelievable and I don't know which way to turn so I am just writing and working.
I wish I could express what I am thinking without sounding angry and bitter. I wish I never existed. I wish for a lot of things but most of all I wish for the last 4 months back in my life. I cannot see it as a lesson, I see it as a stupid mistake made by a stupid, silly girl who thought her dreams could be real but was living in a non-reality. Reality hurts and the truth is the world is a nasty horrible place and no one is going to understand you or be there for you really. They all make so many promises and so do you but it all means nothing at the end of the day. Love does not conquer all unfortunately. The dreams I had were not real and I don't think they ever will be so I must rather stick to reality and become hard and emotionless as that is the way the world treats me. Screw giving a shit about people, screw giving everything to the people you love, screw giving giving and more giving. Screw fighting for what you believe in because you will just be judged by your past mistakes. Rather keep yourself safe and protect your heart because somehow or someway it will always be broken, the pain is not worth it anymore...
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